the1warrior's Diaryland
Diary
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I feel like there is much to be discussed as of late, and I cannot seem to unblock myself enough to feel the creative juices flowing within me. I feel a lot of emotions lately and I know that hormones have a lot to do with it. I just need a vacation. There are 62 days till I have 12 days off work, and 65 days till Angyla and I leave for our cruise, which is something very exciting and wonderful. I have never been out of the country and I am thrilled.
Lately there are a bunch of little things that seem to drive me crazy and as I try to make sense of them it is difficult to wrap my mind around them. I know I am on the right path and this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. It is difficult to teach myself simple things such as undying patience and a way to parent without becoming a total dick. This is obviously the first time I have ever had to do any of this. Coming into an already made family is not the easiest of task but I think I am doing pretty damn well. At times I too seem to loose the grip I�ve been trying to create but I do the best I can.
Last night seemed to be one of those nights. Tyler ten years old does not know how to use a knife to cut his chicken or food in general. And he throws a fit when presented with the fact that he has got to learn how to use a knife and cannot have mommy cutting his food for him for the rest of his life. Its asinine within my own brain how he can be ten years old and not know how to cut his food with a knife. It seems as if it should be one of those things you learn earlier. I guess my standards are higher. But who can be in a place of judgment, I am not perfect.
But after he started yelling that he was not going to do and he was going to use his hands, something inside my brain just seemed to snap. I started yelling back. This child is not going tell me a grown woman what is he and is not going to do. I did attempt at first to handle it in a teaching manner, but when it didn�t work I was NOT in the mood to deal with it, I picked up my plate and said I am not dealing with this And went and ate in the living room. Which according to Angyla was NOT the right move and I ruined her dinner. I RUINED IT, not the screaming ten year old who decided he�s the boss of the world and will do as he pleases.
Sometimes I get discouraged that things like this are not going to change. Then I try and remember my thinking and how it is what creates my reality and I realize that just in the year that I have been around a lot of positive changes have occurred, and I know I have the power to turn this family around.
I said to a friend of mine not too long ago that why does it seem as if everything always has to be up to me? She said back to me because that is the path you chose. I am tired. After 31 years it feels as if I would deserve a break. But that is not how it works. This is my lot in life. I continue to swallow my pride and not lay in the space of judgment.
This will not be the last thing I write today�I can tell.
8:01 a.m. - 2012-04-26
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