the1warrior's Diaryland Diary


Hands up

Dear God,

Please help me figure out what I am doing in this life. I feel nearly on the brink of madness and it is becoming increasingly difficult to manage my emotions and feelings.

I am in trigger land and outburst world. I want to tell everyone to FUCK OFF and I plainly did tell my girlfriend that this morning. I feel like it was the first time in 8 years I said that.

I am tired of speaking upon deaf ears.

I am tired of my feelings and thoughts not holding water.

I am tired of having to say things over and over and nothing changes.

I understand that little things do change and we have become different people in these eight years together. Just now is she finally finding brain space and gut power to stick up for herself when fucked up shit happens.

I can see some things but I am so full of heartache and madness that I wonder to myself when is enough?

When does my pain supersede the good things?

I dont know.

I know that sometimes i just need to let it out of my body or I will just burst and most people do not understand me, how could they when I myself have a difficult time figuring out what the hell to do in these times.

Track number 7 on the hackers soundtrack does seem to assist me in some way. I hear the beats I hear her voice coming in and out and I just want to cry.

Sometimes i wonder if something is majorly wrong with me.
Maybe I need more help then I would like to admit.

Please send me some peace. I try so hard to be the best person I can be.

Its time to change things.

If I do not do it, no one will fix me, no one will change.

I have to do it, I have to be it. I send my energies into the universe and I know good will return, and guide me in this 7 year new chapter of my life. (Susan Miller says I am beginning a new 7 years chapter. And I am ready and willing for things to be different.

I must be the one. And I seem to want to fight it, but there is no sense in fighting when I know the truth.

10:18 a.m. - 2019-03-07


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