the1warrior's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - So much so much so much change at a rapid pace and I am not really sure what is going on right now. I have so much fear that I want to keep my heart under lock and key but when her arms are around me its difficult to do so. The way she looks at my with her eyes piering into my soul like she knows who I am makes me turn to a pile of mush. We talk constantly about what were thinking and whats happening and what were feeling, and the hardest part is I actually believe her when she is talking to me. I can sense her sincerity. I feel like if I were to open my heart then the same thing would happen again. But I feel as though I am being much more logical about things these days. Trying my hardest not to loose control of my emotions and be the adult that I know I have the power to be no matter how much my inner child wants to fight it. Her beauty is real and it is not just on the outside, it is fully circulating through her entire being. God she scares the shit out of me. I know that the feeling is not me wanting to save her and that is quite refreshing. She can hold her ground on her own two feet and I am not the counselor I am just ME and she likes me for who I am, the sensitive, semi crazy, sweet soul. I enjoy the time I spend with her immensely and I just want her to stick around. Personally this might be the first time ever that I do not possess expectations of her, I just want to spend time with her. I do not expect a marriage, I do not expect a u haul. The only thing I do expect is for me to be strong and live day by day to the fullest because even if it is a moment of happiness I believe it is worth it. Tell you the hard honest truth I wish she was mine. But I am different then i used to be and i can actually say that. And i am proud of myself. This is day 4 no weed. And I have been doing exceptionally well. The only side effect I can tell right now is I am having lodes of trouble sleeping. My mind can not calm down when it is time to. But I am taking large strides to better myself and my life because if I do not do it NO ONE Will. I need to look out for me first, care about my feelings then someone elses. I like Sam in my world, in my arms, in my bed...sleeping like an angel as we speak. Day by day and we will just see. I just pray that if it does turn into something more serious and I do end up opening my heart fully to her that she does not rip it out of my chest and step on it with 5 inch stelleto heals. Because I just do not think my sensibilities could handle such a thing again. But after writing this I feel a lot calmer and am going to crawl back in bed with her and try my hardest to fall into dreamland...where there are no cares in the world. 2:14 a.m. - 2008-04-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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