the1warrior's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - So after the wake of my mood last night I realized some things of course. Its 420 today and I did not smoke and I will not smoke and its the first year in probably about 12 years that I haven't. I realized that the fact that I am quit makes me loose this part of my identity I did not know was so integral to who I thought I was. There are all these interesting feelings about me growing up that have been floating around inside me and my first instinct is to run and fight and scream in the night. I don't want to grow up cause I'm a Toys R Us kid. Corina is quite a large part of my life and I like it that way. She makes me want to better myself. She makes me see what life is like when I think of me first then everyone else. All these changes are quite scary and the childlike part of me wants to fight them so much. It is time to let go. It is time to realize that the love I possess inside me is and always will be unconditional. Which in turn means The sex thing is more my issue then hers. I have always known that Sex meant 'too much' to me. And the feelings that transcend into anger are just feelings of rejection and alone-ness. Feelings of abandonment also come up. Wondering if we are not sleeping together, does that mean she does not want to? Does that mean she does not feel the same desire as I do...so many questions with no answers. Communication is key and I do talk to her about it. She insists that its simply the fact that our sex drives are different. I just think I might have to accept that. I hope and pray that we will last because other than that small issue everything else is amazing. 'We laugh like soft mad children smug in the willowy cotton brains of infancy.'-Morrison. We have so much fun doing anything and nothing. She makes me feel alive and makes me realize so much about myself. I wonder if we are meant to be together in the long run. If our time is finally here. And then I tell myself that no matter what happens with us in the future these moments were worth ever pain, every struggle, every sense of insanity I have slipped into over the past two years of coveting the one I love. I breathe...and I have been breathing alot since the moment I realized I hadn't been breathing. It makes me feel more real, more in touch with the insanities that enter my mind. She was feeling all sorts of out of wack today and for the first time instead of letting her mood affect me in a negative way I sustained my good mood all the while telling her and showing her that I am here for her to lean on. There were feelings of hope that it was not me that made her so sad, or so not herself. But I quickly changed those selfish thoughts and impressed upon her that she is my world and I am here no matter what, through thick and thin for her to lean on when she most needs it. Just as she has been there for me through these odd and unhappy challenges I have been going through as of late. I hope that at least her knowing I am here will be enough for her to trust me and let herself lean on me when she needs too. Because just as she tells me "Michele I am not going anywhere, your stuck with me." I too say the same thing...your hold is permanent. The energies in the air are interesting and I feel as though this process of letting go my childlike side will aide in fully accepting the responsibilities of adulthood, and realizing that I do not need to be "FUCKED UP" to enjoy life, that I do not need to be High to feel like I know who I am. That I do not need to do things that are dangerous in order to feel strong. I love myself first and by doing that it gives me the power to share my love with the few that deserve it. I think I am done venting for now... 10:26 p.m. - 2009-04-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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