the1warrior's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - So I'm tired of being everyones friend. Does that make sense to you? IT makes sense to me, maybe I posess a squed view of what the signs are, and how people act towards me and I just dont know what is really wanted and it hurts me to have to sit around and watch the world go by and realize I have to be able to feel content on my own. Is it so horrible that I yearn for some closeness, not sex, nothing like that just closeness. I lay in bed at the end of the night and I realize how alone I actually am. I havent eaten in a bit over 24 hours and its starting to take its tole on me. Fasting is what I call it but the truth is theres no money. And that is my own fault and when I finally do get a steady job things are going to be different because I definitely taught myself a lesson. I cant go spending money willy nilly and leave myself with nothing. How am I ever going to get on my feet. JEsus Im almost 26 years old and I have nothing to show for it. My heart hurts today and I feel like spending the entire day in bed but I have to get up early tomorrow for this week long temp job thingy. Saras at work and I dont want to see anyone else really. I dont feel like hanging out with my so called friends, and I definitely dont feel like sitting here doing nothing all day long until my best friend gets out of work. My head hurts and I really need to detox my system...lately Ive been playing a bit on a dangerous road and I know exactly where it leads. Which is definitely not somewhere I want to go. I just wish I could snap my fingers and everything would fall right into place. But nothing is ever that easy and we can all dream as much as we want to but that doesnt mean anything will actually happen. Although our thoughts do create our reality I need to change my thinking. I need to change my behavior, I need to do alot of things. First and foremost I need to stop giving so FULLY of myself to people who might appreciate it but dont really give a damn. I need my fire back! Where did it go you ask? Well I have no idea. The year inbetween when Sherry and I broke up and when we got back together, I hooked up with a bunch of women, and I even had them chasing me...and to top it all off I was much larger than I am now...so the only explanation is I have lost some key things from my true personality. I have been feeling so emasculated from being hurt by so many women my confidence is gone, my game has been misplaced, and my fire has went out to. How does one begin to get it back? Once you act a certain way with people that is how they expect it to always be. But its not. And I guess its up to me to change that. Who knows...whatever I guess Im done now... 2:37 p.m. - 2006-12-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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