the1warrior's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Where do these things come from Sometimes I'm such a piece of shit girlfriend. And as I take a moment I realize what I am doing, and it's worse then guilt I feel it's loathing. I love this woman, with unbeknownst strengths and she is different then all the others. Not in the I'm trying to fake myself out type of different. Just all around separate from the other type of people I have relationed over the years. And I can say relationed if I so choose because this arena belongs to me. If I am being honest with myself I am a spoiled rotten baby brat who used to get her way all the time and now that she is with a real woman realizes she can't always have her way. She can't always jump on the next wind and fly far far far away and wake up or end up anywhere. Having done something anything or everything and still feel the guilt inside weeks after. Maybe I just lost myself. Maybe I allowed it and have to stop placing blame and actually do something to change it and see if Angyla is really the type of woman who will stick by me if I have to run free at times to breathe to know the path but jump on a different one. It's not your fault. It's not. I am the one who surrounded myself with nothing but you. Showered you with the strength of love and beauty that possesses my energy field from eons of lives learning of love. It would be difficult for anyone to adjust to snapping into a different kind of lifelstyle. But that's the whole point. I want her to adjust. I want her to accept. I want her to be the one who knows how much I need a soul that feels free and then not just accept it but embrace it. That is my new affiration. I sit in the stealth of the night smoking my pipe and knowing that all day this was all I needed to take the edge off of my mind. At times weary but just in need of someone to bounce ideas off. And sometimes I feel so alone in my worries, my battles, and my fights. Maybe my mind lives too much in the past. And what I used to do and who I used to be and what used to happen and how the ladies used to love me and how pussy wasn't just a fantasy land. Where do these things come from? I am asking myself that and I mean it. I am 33 now. I can't be at the club all the time. I can't be that person I used to be because most of it was just a false sense of who I was all the while hiding inside myself. I need to get off my ass and make the changes that I know will allow me to feel lighter and happier. She says to me why don't I do them...and in the moment of anger and argumentative tones the only thing that I could say was you. And as I stated it's not her fault and after I tried to explain it but it was to late. I had already said it. And now I sit by a lake in a car in silence. And I will go home and fix it because she needs to know that she is one of the great things in my life. She makes me want to do better and be better. So we smoke one more cigarette and we go home. 9:40 p.m. - 2014-02-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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