the1warrior's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ahhh overwhelmed much? I have been feeling all sorts of fucked today. The energies inside me are eating me alive and i am not sure what I am supposed to do. I stress myself out beyond all caverns of my mind to where it begins eating at my heart and my soul at random intervals of time. Damn questions. Damn issues. Damn damn damn it all to hell. I need clarity and I need to provide it for myself. I was the one who made the decisions that lead me to this point in my life and I am the one who needs to deal with who and what I have inside me. I love her...I really do. I am so full of this useless emotion called fear that I do not know what is coming or going...or which way that is. She tries so hard and sticks by me through all this insanity when it isn't just her. Its the NO PIZZA and the NO ciggs and the no partying and I am doing what an adult should do when they are preparing to settle down but what happens when I actually do... What happens when I am sitting in my dining room with little kids running around me and my wife is cooking and I am getting ready to go to work with a briefcase in one hand and a newspaper in another. I just don't know. I think its a combination of many things all building up inside of me and one of these moments instead of exploding I am going to deal with this head on. I need to make a decision and be able to live with it. Especially since I have already made the decision and she is here sitting behind me on the couch... "Maybe we should go to couple's counseling because I can't deal with this shit" Another small piece of proof that she is willing to stick it through. She is being true to me, she loves me, she is loyal to me. In the grand scope of things there is no way anyone can know if the words that are spoken are the absolute truth. Her actions are speaking just as loud as her words and why am I fighting happiness so much? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just look at her an except the fact that she is right here for me, that she is the one I have wanted for so long and each and every day she shows me more and more. What is the block I feel? SAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAA! Goddamn it why can't you be here when I am about to loose my mind sit on the porch with me and assist me in sifting through all this shit. And I breathe and I release and I know inside myself that I am going to be okay regardless of the outcome of any of this...I am always okay. And with her love I am even better... It is these times that I drive myself mad...I always have and now it is time to change that fact. There should be a manual to this life Jesus Christ. She reads me quotes from the couch to help me feel better and I love her even more...Why must I get in my own way. Someone please hand me the cliff notes. I am Jacks fear. I release the fear and do it anyway. I feel overwhelmed...I breathe. "what would you do if I sang out tune would you stand up and walk out on me 1:27 a.m. - 2009-05-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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